Today was the day that I signed the consent to adoption.  Since he’s been born, this is the day I’ve been looking forward to as well as dreading.  Confusing I know, but it’s been a battle between the two ever since.  And today didn’t make it any easier.

My mom and I took the road trip to the agency and when we got into town, we met my birth counselor somewhere and she brought us there.  The moment I walked into the agency, I was overcome with so many emotions at once.  Then while I was waiting for her to finish gathering the paperwork, I noticed the bulletin board with all the babies and the newly created families.  I suddenly felt at peace seeing all the beautiful smiles and the sheer happiness in their eyes. 

We went into a conference room and went over the paperwork.  A few of the papers I couldn’t sign until my lawyer and 2 witnesses were present.  So she had me sign what I could sign until they came.  Not sure what time my lawyer got there, butshe had me sign some more papers. A nd then when I was done signing those papers, they had the 2 witnesses (secretary and another counselor, but for adoptive parents) come into the conference room and sat down and witnessed the signing.

I was fine all the way up until I got to the paper to where I was signing away all legal rights I had to him and giving the adoptive parents legal guardianship until they can get the adoption finalized throught he courts.  As my birth counselor read the paper to me, I could feel the tears well up in my eyes.  I tried to hold them back, but there were too many to where they slowly fell upon my cheek.  They noticed and got me some kleenexs.  They also told me that we could take a break and in between my tears, I told them I was fine and that we could continue.

I have from today until January 28th at 11:30 am to change my mind if I felt the need to do so.  This is going to be the longest, most antagonizing 2 weeks of my life.  The constant back and forth with the “should I or shouldn’t I?” running through my mind.  I just have to stay strong and realize that the two children I’ve been blessed with deserve the best.  And, this is why I chose what I did so theres no turning back now. 

I just figured with my signing those papers it would make it a little easier for me to start the healing process without the “I am still able to take him back” hanging over my head.  But, I think until it’s 11:31 am on Monday, January 28th, its going to be pure agony. So, maybe I’ll either hibernate that day or keep myself busy during that time.  I need to remain strong, not only for myself – but for my kids. 

So, while I’m one step closer to the healing process, its still hard.

Before the birth of the little one, I tried asking the doctor to put me on antidepressants to prevent a downward spiral after everything was said and done.  Unfortunately he couldn’t because he said usually at that point they try to wean the moms off of them to prevent a possible withdrawal in the baby.  I totally respected that, but wish there would of been something we could of figured out so I didn’t get to where I’m at currently.

The day I was discharged from the hospital, I was prescribed wellbutrin because I requested to be put on something.  Even when asking for that, I started crying.  I feel like I’ve failed somewhere along the line because I’ve had to resort to a medically induced happiness.  I’ve managed to keep my emotions in check over the years, but now they’re hard to control even with help.

I’ve turned into a person I never expected to turn into.  I’ve resorted to drinking to help me sleep at night, only to be woke up a few hours after I fall asleep by the kids.  I’m emotionally and  phsyically drained.  While the feelings I’m feeling right now completely sucks, I’m glad to know that I’m starting to feel something.  Was a little worried that I wasn’t sad about giving him up.  But I t hink the reason for it was cause numbness of everything that happened during and after his birth was keeping me from feeling any real emotion.  And now here I sit with tears falling down my face wishing it would all go away.

No one will ever understand the extent of what I’m going through physically and emotionally until they’ve been in that position.  And it sucks that I have no one around that’s been there, done that to talk to.  I’ve talked to my mom and she says she understands what I’m feeling, but really she doesn’t.  She doesn’t know what its like to carry a child for 9 months and not having anything to show for it other than the scar from the csection and the increased amount of stretch marks. 

I do not regret my decision, but I didn’t expect it to hurt so much.  This hole in my heart isn’t decreasing in size, it seems to keep on getting bigger and bigger with each passing day.  And it can’t continue down this path because I have two other kids that need their mama to be a 100% to be the best possible mom around.  But right now I’m the complete opposite since I’ve seemed to of directed my anger, frustration, and sadness to them when they’re the innocent ones in all of this.  And it makes everything that much harder.

One day it will be easier I’m sure, but until that day comes this is all that I have. 

I’ve been home from the hospital for a week today.  It was hard leaving the hospital without a baby I’ve carried for 9 months underneath my heart.  I felt so empty inside after I handed him over to his adoptive parents, but I took joy in knowing that I helped create a family for them – something they’ve longed for so many years.

I walked out of the hospital holding the stuffed anmal my grandma had bought me while in the hospital.  I placed his little hat on the dogs head and held him close to my chest.  It wasn’t the same, but it would of been so much harder walking out completely empty handed.  But once I got out of the hospital and into the car to go home, the tears stopped.

Was I okay with the decision, is this why I stopped crying?  I don’t think so.  I don’t think I’ll ever be 100% okay with the decision even though I know my choice is the right choice.  For the ones that know me, know that I’m not one to let anything anyone says to me or about me bother me.  But in this instance, I truly see myself getting upset/hurt by comments people make.  I’m afraid that people are going to think that I’m “picking and choosing” my kids.  I have 2 other ones, but don’t have my 3rd here with us.  Let me tell you, it wasn’t an easy choice to make.  No matter what the circumstances, he was and still is a part of me.  He will always be a part of me no matter where he’s at.

One would never understand the reasons why someone does something until they’ve been put into that position.  I had one other option, but there was no way I could convince myself to do that.  And had I chose that other option, I wouldn’t of been able to make someones dream come true.  No matter how much hurt I feel inside, I will always feel content in knowing I took part in something like this.

Today is my first official day as a birthmom. 

Went in Friday morning to have my repeat csection.  While I was anxious to finally be done, I wasn’t totally ready to seperate myself from the closeness I had with the precious little one growing within me.  But I kept reminding myself that my choice is the right choice all around.  I chose the best parents possible and I know they’ll be great parents.  But no matter how strong my outer shell appears, my heart is still breaking inside.

While recovery was extremely rough on me after delivery, I was blessed to be able to spend a few extra days with him.  But the closer it got to discharge day, the harder the tears fell.  Every time I held him in my arms, the tears slowly fell upon my cheek.  I quickly wiped them away for fear that everyone would think that I was changing my mind.  Shortly after everyone left my room was when I’d have my crying time. 

Tonight is my first night without a baby to hold close to my chest, smell the sweet baby smell, or hear the beautiful cries.  But tonight is the first night for his parents to experience the joy of loving someone so small and embark on their journey as parents.  Each day will be another day in which they’ll learn not only something about him, but something about each other.  They’ll overcome many obstacles along the way, but will become the best possible parents because of it.

While its hard all around, I’m glad to know that I took part in something as amazing as this.  I just never realized how truly difficult it was going to be to leave the hospital without a baby that I carried for 9 months.

Life has always had roads in which are often less traveled than others.  Some tend to stumble upon them unexpectedly by the curve ball life throws at us.  And I’m one of the ones who took a turn onto one of those less traveled roads eight months ago. 

I’ve always been the type of person who takes responsibility for their actions, even if its not the best option at the time.  But it’s how I was raised and its how I intend to raise my children.  They might not always do what I would expect them to do, but the lease I can do is to try and point them in the right direction and hope that they listen.  But what happens when you’re put in the position without a say?

Back in March on St. Patrick’s Day, I was raped.  I had gone out with some friends to have some fun out on the town.  Little did I know that my whole life would be changed in a matter of minutes.  I didn’t tell anyone I was raped because I wanted to be able to put it in the back of my mind and never think of it again.  I wasn’t expecting to get pregnant; otherwise I would have taken the morning after pill.  I kept on with my life just as if nothing had ever happened.  No one sensed anything was wrong, so I was safe right? 

Wrong.

Almost a month to the day, I had realized I was late.  But I figured maybe it was the stress of everything going on.  So I didn’t think much of it.  But then the all too familiar feeling of morning sickness started showing up, so all I could do was go and take a pregnancy test.  When I saw the second line show up on that test, the tears started falling.  I kept on thinking that the test was lying, that someone put an actual trick test inside the box I bought.  I may have been a little naïve in thinking that, but I was scared of how this was going to change everything.  What I once thought could be laid to rest, was brought back alive again.

My birthday was a few days later and I knew I couldn’t go out drinking with my friends to celebrate.  And I was afraid to tell my mom for fear of her thinking I’ve let her down yet again.  But I had to tell her because she’d know something was up if I turned down a night out with my friends, especially after it had been planned for so long.  I was working with her at the time, so I caught up to her in the parking lot.  She came over to my vehicle and gave me my card and present.  I opened the card first and instantly broke down.  She asked me what was wrong and I told her I didn’t deserve such a heart-felt card she had chosen for me.  I wasn’t anything like the card said.  And then that’s when it all came out.

I was left with only two options: abortion and adoption.  I’ve always been pro-choice for everyone else, but for me I was pro-life.  Even though I knew the emotional toll carrying this pregnancy to term would cause me, I just couldn’t bring myself to go through the abortion.  So I did my research on adoption agencies and made a few phone calls.  I came across a couple that caught my attention.  I noticed they had a phone number in their “dear birthparent(s)” letter, so I gave them a call.

It was very early on into my pregnancy, so I was a little leery in contacting them so early. But I figured that it’s better to start the “getting to know you” portion of the process early than to start it so late in the game.  So, for the first few months after contacting them, we spent time talking on the phone together and emailing one another.  And the more I talked to them and emailed them, I knew they were the best choice possible for this little one.

Through out it all, I’ve tried to leave them “in the know” as much as possible.  I gave them the choice on whether or not they want the testing done in early pregnancy.  Told them when I needed to know by and they let me know that they didn’t want me to do any of the testing, because in the end it wouldn’t change their mind regardless of what the tests showed.  I wanted them to be there for the ultrasounds and get to experience it, but they scheduled it a lot sooner than I expected so they didn’t have time to request time off from work to be there.  But I scanned the ultrasound pictures in and sent them to them through email and even told them that this baby is a boy.

For the last eight months, I have tried to keep myself as distanced as possible.  But it’s hard when your body is taking part in creating another life.  Every time I hear the heartbeat, I cry silently to myself because it’s such an amazing sound.  And then whenever I feel this little one kick, its hard to not be interested because it’s the best feeling in the world.  Well, until the kicks start hurting, then it isn’t exactly the best feeling in the world.  But it lets me know that everything is going okay growth wise and he’s doing well. 

Now I’m down to 40 days until this journey comes to an end and a new one begins.  And I’m left with all the emotions I’ve bottled up for so long.  I knew it would be hard, but I guess I didn’t realize it’d hit me the hardest now and continue getting harder until the day comes to where I hand this little guy over to someone else instead of taking him home with me and become a part of our family.

I know every time I hear another baby or see another baby cry, it’ll break my heart.  I’ll be wishing that I was the one being able to comfort them and let them know that everything will be okay while safely snuggled into my chest, close to my heart.  The middle of the night feedings, the sicknesses, and everything else is hard.  But when you see your baby smile at you for the first time makes everything worth while. And the times when baby wants no one else but their mommy warms your heart more than anything in the world.  But unfortunately, those days for me are done.  And all I can do is live with the memories of my baby days with my other kids and live vicariously through everyone who is approaching the journey themselves.

After everything is said and done, I’ll be left with lots of unanswered questions and hope that one day I’ll be able to find the answers to these questions.  One day in the near future I’ll be more than okay with my decision.  But for now, I’m in the battle between right and wrong.  But I think if it wasn’t for the kids I have already, I would have had a date with the padded walls.  I just hope that I can continue being the best mother possible to my kids through all of this and not have them regret me later on down the road for making this decision.

It finally hit me last night that the baby days are done for me. 

My daughter has had this cough for a few weeks now.  And last night was a hard night for her and she woke up a few times scared.  I got her out of the crib and snuggled with her for awhile until she fell back asleep.  Did this once and then a half-hour later, she woke up again scared even more so I snuggled with her longer.  But as she laid her head upon my shoulder, it hit me that I will truly miss the baby days. 

Yes, i love the fact that my kids are getting older and becoming more independant as each day passes.  Pretty soon no more diapers, no more bottles, no more anything related to baby. But I can’t help not missing it.  The middle of the night feedings, the bonding you feel with a baby before s/he is born, just the all around feeling of completeness.  One wouldn’t truly understand until they became a parent themselves.

I’ve done relatively well thus far, at least I think so.  I’ve managed to keep most of my emotions in check through everything.  Yeah I’ve had a few days/nights to where I got so overwhelmed with millions of emotions coming at me all at once, but all in all I’ve managed to convince myself that this is the right decision for all involved. 

Will it be hard to hand over this baby?  Yes.  Will I regret my decision?  Yes and No.  Its never easy giving up anything, regardless of the circumstances.  In my case, I’ve nurtured a baby for nine months under my heart.  Felt him kick and squirm, dealt with morning sickness up the wazoo.  So yes, no matter how hard I try to keep myself distant from this bonding experience, it will still be hard. 

Maybe I’m having a harder time now because I’m less than 2 months away from shutting down the baby making factory.  While I’m anxiously awaiting the day for closure, I’m not ready to end it all. I know I’ll be okay at some point.  But right now, its just so hard to explain. 

On one of the birth boards I go to, another lady had posted the link to this video.  It is an absolutely amazing video.  The words she sings is so powerful, its easy to make the hardest of hearts cry. I’ve obviously never been in these people’s shoes, but it still gives me chills each and every time I watch it.  And on the really bad days, it makes me cry.  I guess after seeing this video, it has made me realize that placing this baby up for adoption will be the best for everyone involved. 

Sure it’s going to be hard to give away a part of my heart, but I’ve come to realize that I’m giving another family an experience of a lifetime – an experience to be loving parents to a baby who deserves so much out of this world.  Christmas definitely won’t be the same this year.  But it’ll have a different meaning for me.  My son has asked a few times about the baby and I have been telling hm that Santa is making an extra special trip from the North Pole to give this baby to a family who has been longing for one for so long.  Is he upset?  Sure.  But I know he’ll be fine.  I’ll just have to be sure to spend more time with him to make him realize that him and his sister complete my life in more ways than most would ever imagine. 

Sure we aren’t living the ideal life (single unwed mother to 2, pregnant with #3) that society wants us to live.  But its the best life for my family.  And although the experience I’ve had over the past couple of months isn’t the greatest, but I hope that maybe one day somewhere down the line someone can use my experience as a guiding light.  That’s all I want out of all of this.  To help people no matter how hard the days may get.

Or is that break only going to come when a new year starts?  Either way, that day isn’t coming fast enough.

This year has been an extremely rough year.  First I lose my job from a place that I worked at for nearly 10 years.  A few weeks later I find out I’m pregnant, a few days before my birthday no less.  And the job that I had told me that they had no more reason to keep me around, so they let me go.  With being almost 5 months pregnant at that time, the only option I really had was working back in a fast food business again. Blech!

First the job I’m working at now.  I didn’t disclose that I was pregnant at the time of the interview.  I wanted them to hire me for my experience rather than give them a chance to discriminate against me.  Obviously my boss found out I was pregnant unintentionally because I “tightened” up my apron and she noticed.  And then I discussed it with her about it.  Said that I wasn’t trying to be dishonest, but I wanted her to be able to see that I could perform the job just like any non pregnant person could.  She understood.  Well a few days or so after I got hired, I got sick.  Started out with sinus infection but that quickly turned into pneumonia a day after that started.  So I was off for almost a week.  Now she’s trying to say that my calling in wasn’t because of my illness its because I’m pregnant and she doesn’t think I am capable of working 40 hours.  So now she’s cut my hours.  How am I suppose to pay for things when she cuts my hours down to not even 30 hours a week? Evil witch!

Then my daughters dad has been trying to weasle his way out of child support since 2005.  The support payments were suppose to start getting deducted from his check, but he conveniently got “fired” the week it was suppose to happen.  I still got child support for that month but haven’t seen a dime since.  And today I get a letter in the mail saying they are temporarily haulting the child support case.  Why?  Because he’s a liar and is trying to make himself look like the good guy! I’m not exactly sure what I ever saw in him.  But one positive out of all of this is that I got a beautiful little girl from him.

My sweet little girl has taken the bully road and has been biting/hitting at daycare.  She’s been sent home due to it numerous times.  And I don’t know what more I can do to help them correct this behavior because she does NOT do it at home.  Today I got a phone call from the school and I was about ready to cry.  Turns out she was the one that was bit by one of the boys that she has been biting.  While I’m sad that she got hurt, but I’m hoping and praying that maybe – just maybe, she’ll realize how much it hurts when she bites.  But something tells me that’s not going to happen. 

We have set up a speech evaluation for her for the 20th of August.  She’s had the same 4 word vocabulary since she picked them up at 15 months old.  So they think maybe with her lack of communication skills that is the reason why she’s turned to biting.  Its a possibility, but something tells me its not likely.  And I can’t help but think that there’s something more to it than just “normal 2 yr old behavior”.  I may be grasping at straws, but I want an answer.  I deserve an answer to why I am having so many problems with her, problems in which I’ve never experienced with my son.  And I can’t help but think that I’m the reason for everything going on with her.  And it breaks my heart.  I have cried over this numerous times.  I’m just at a loss. 

I think i’ve gone through enough this year to where I deserve a sabbatical from every bad thing.  I’m so deep in everything that I don’t know which way to go to get out.  Normally I can get myself out, but not when things keep on piling up on me and so quickly.  All I know is that the end of the year is not coming fast enough. 

So, with that said – is it 2008 yet?

Some days are great while other days is pure hell.

Day started off just like any other day.  Woke up, got the kids ready for school and off we go.  I went to work for about an hour and then I started getting kinda crampy and left.  Came home and rested for a few hours and my phone rang.  Went back to work for another hour or two and went out to eat with my grandma.  After we ate, she went to work and I went to the store to pick up the cat food.

Now, I don’t know why I went the way I did.  But I happened to go past the baby section.  I saw all the cute little clothes, shoes, bedding, and everything that you can get for a baby.  In the next section there was a woman who was very pregnant looking at a double stroller. I almost lost it.  But I swallowed the tears and I continued to trek towards the area in which held what I originally went to the store for.  Cat food.

I checked out and went to my car to head towards home.  I figured I would of cried when I got into the car, but I didn’t.  But when I got home, I did. I had almost an hour before I had to pick the kids up from school.  So I was fairly confident in being refreshed so they didn’t see that I was crying. And I did well until my mom called. 

I’m not even sure how we got onto the discussion but we did.  I told her that the reason why I asked her before to try to keep things between us civil from now until December is because I’m already having a hard time processing everything.  Told her that every time I see a baby or a pregnant woman I just want to cry.  I’m really scared. 

I suffered with post partum depression really bad after my daughter was born.  Is this time around going to be the same, better, or worse?  Yeah you don’t always get PPD with each kids but I think I’m set up for it given everything. And add insult to injury, I’ll be having my tubes tied after this baby is born.  I know given everything going on around me minus the pregnancy I can’t afford another child, hence giving this baby up.  But to have it finalized just seems so surreal.

Will it be hard?  Yes.  Not sure how long, we’ll just have to take it one day at a time.  I just know that I’m going to have to try to be as strong as possible since this baby will probably be born 17 days before Christmas.  I don’t want to ruin the holidays for my kids with this stuff. 

So I just have to remind myself to try to avoid the baby sections! I think I’ll be okay. 

Or at least this is the way it’s feeling.  And to think I have another 6 months or more to deal with the looks, the stares, and the comments from inconsiderate people. 

Once again my mom wins the “worst mom of the year” award.  I sometimes have to convince myself that we are indeed related, but I still have a feeling I had to of been switched at birth since we are NOTHING alike.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom I really do – but she has got to be one of the coldest people I have ever met in my life.  And to think I’ve been dealing with the constant put downs, yelling, and everything else for over 13 years of my life.  Funny thing is, she alwayst urns against me when something bad happens to me.

I remember when I had finally told someone about my “grandpa” molesting me from the age of 11 until I was 14.  I admit, I probably told at the wrong time but I couldn’t deal with the nightmares anymore. And when I told finally, my granny was in the hospital dying of lung cancer.  Want to know the first question out of her mouth and everyone elses?  Are you sure it really happened?

What?

Yes ladies and gentleman, she accused me of lying.  That I was only saying that to tear the family apart during one of the most trying times in our lives. I was told that I couldn’t press charges because it would send my grandma into a nervous breakdown and we may never get her to come home from the hospital again.  So for the last 12 years I have dealt with the pain of those 3 years silently.  And when my granny passed away a month later it sent me over the edge.  I did everything I possibly could to try and take my life.  Again, want to know what she said to me? She said I was a spoiled little brat who is only looking for attention.

No, I wasn’t looking for attention.  I was reaching out for someone, anyone to reach out and put me under their wing and tell me everything will be okay and it wasn’t my fault.  I haven’t tried it ever since I almost succeeded in 9th grade.  But I won’t lie and say the thoughts aren’t still deep inside.  But right now, I have my kids to keep my strength high enough to where I stay above the water.

Fast foward a few years and here I sit again.  Going through another nightmare, dealing with the lasting effects on an every day basis.  And once again, my mom turns her back against me and more or less implies that its my fault – that I shouldn’t of went out that night or, as she said, I shouldn’t of went by him.  But I didn’t, I wasn’t even near him.  He must of followed me out of the bar and thats when he grabbed me from behind and threw me on the ground.  But yet, I seemed to have asked for it in a way to where it’s okay.

Bull.  Just plain bull.  No one deserves to deal with an experience such as this. No matter what kind of clothes the woman wears, whether or not she said yes at first and changed her mind a few minutes later, it is not right.  Its wrong on so many levels that I can’t even begin to comprehend. But yet I’m suppose to sit here and take everything in stride and act like nothing happened, act like I’m the reason for it.  Its just not happening.  As I said, if it weren’t for my kids I probably would have snapped way before now.

I’m really scared.  Not for me, but for my kids and this growing baby inside of me.  This amount of stress is NOT good for anyone.  And right now as I write this, my stomach is hurting so much. And I can feel the last nerve I have left getting really close to snapping.  This is why I’m going to talk to my doctor about putting me on meds.  I can’t deal with it anymore.