Dear Christian -

April 17, 2007 was the day I learned of your existance.  I was overcome with so many emotions – denial, shock, anger.  I debated on whether or not I should go through with the plans to go out for my birthday a few days later.  I figured I wasn’t pregnant, the test was lying to me.  But deep down I knew I was, the constant sickness I felt every day and night was my indicator. 

That night I cried myself to sleep.  I knew I couldn’t raise a third child by myself but I also knew that I couldn’t go through with an abortion.  So the only option I had left to me was adoption.  I did some research online for adoption agencies.  I came across the one your parents used.  I read their “Dear Birthparent(s)” letter and knew that they were the right choice.

April 18, 2007 I gave them a call and talked to your mom.  A part of me wondered if I should of contacted them so soon.  Especially knowing that I was still so early on that anything could happen.  And the heartbreak they would of felt after getting their hopes up again.  But I wanted to be able to get to know them better before I made a definite choice in them.  I wanted to be reassured that I was making the right choice. 

Over the course of my pregnancy, we had a few meetings together.  They met my other two kids.  And seeing them interact with them made my decision more concrete.  Sure, you weren’t born yet and I could of changed my mind numerous times before that day.  But as I’ve said, theres no way I could of raised 3 kids by myself.  You deserved to have a life to where you were always happy. 

Carrying you inside of me for 9 months was the hardest for me.  Feeling you kick and move each and every day made it even harder.  I tried to remain distant, but every time you moved, every time I heard your heartbeat at the doctors and every time I saw you on the ultrasound monitor made my heart break more than it already was.  Every appointment I laid on the table crying inside.  My doctor knew of my choice and he made every effort to be understanding of my choice. 

December 6, 2007 your parents came to town and we had supper together.  I was at ease to know that my pregnancy was almost done.  I wanted to finally be able to get past this and overcome every hurdle that was thrown my way during that time.  Mom, grandma, the kids and I went back to our house while they went to their hotel room.  We sat up for awhile and talked when my kids went to bed.  Mom tried to reassure me that I was making the right choice and that no one would ever think bad of me for making this decision.  It of course didn’t ease my mind or the pain I felt in my heart. 

December 7, 2007 was the day you were born.  Your parents met me at the hospital.  You could see the excitement in their eyes.  I was scared.  I shouldn’t of been scared because I’ve done this 2 other times before.  But this time was different.  This time I wasn’t ‘going home with a child I carried for 9 months.  All I was going home was the memories of that day.  They were going home to start their new life as parents and experience everything I’ve experienced twice over.

They wheeled me down to the operating room to prepare for your arrival.  I had a mini-breakdown prior to them administering the spinal anesthesia.  The nurse hugged me and told me that it was going to be okay and that I was the strongest person she had ever met.  I hugged her so tightly and told her that I wasn’t ready to hand you over.  I wanted to keep you close for as long as possible because I knew that I wouldn’t be able to ever experience the baby days again.

Your parents came into the room shortly after they got me all settled.  I forced myself to sleep during your birth.  Every so often I would wake up and hear everyone talking.  And then the moment came where you were experiencing life outside of me.  I heard your cry and I looked over to your parents and saw how happy they were.  I turned my head the other way and cried.  They let me see you for a few minutes before they took you and your parents up to the nursery.

While in recovery, I slept as much as I could.  That’s all I wanted to do is sleep everything away.  The real pain wasn’t even while in the hospital.  The intense pain came the day I handed you over.  During the hospital stay, I had a few moments to where I would cry.  A few nurses would come into my room and again tell me how proud they are of me and how much they admired me.  Of course, I cried and then they cried which in turn made me cry even harder. 

Your parents were simply amazing during this time.  They would come and visit us in the hospital.  They would ask if it would be okay to bring you into my room.  Of course I always said yes.  I was tired but I wanted to be with you as much as I possibly could before I didn’t have the chance to hold you, kiss you and tell you how much I love you.  And again, seeing them with you took so much worry off of me.  I knew you were going to be in great hands. 

You are too young to understand a lot of things about everything.  Just know that not only have you touched their lives more than words could ever explain, you put so many things into perspective for me.  A lot of things in which I already knew, but it wasn’t until you were brought into my life did I realize how important it is to appreciate anything and everything that life has to offer. 

December 13, 2007 was the day we left the hospital.  My birth counselor Ruth came down to help getting the discharge in order between the hospital and your parents.  We were discharged at 10:30 am but didn’t finally leave the hospital until 1:30 pm that day.  I wanted to get as many pictures with you as I possibly could.  They asked if I wanted to leave first or if I wanted your parents and you to leave first.  I of course chose to leave first.  I snuggled you closely, kissed your forehead and told you that I will always love you.  And then I handed you over to your parents with tears in my eyes.  I grabbed a hold of my little puppy my grandma bought me and walked out of the hospital.  That day is forever in my mind.

One day we will be able to sit down and you will be able to ask me all the questions you want to ask me.  I will answer them as honestly as I possibly can.  Don’t ever think I made this decision because I didn’t love you, know that I made this decision because I love you more than I could ever express in a letter.  While you aren’t with me physically, you are with me every day in my memory.