It’s been awhile since I last wrote a journal entry.  Its not because the emptiness in my heart isn’t there, its because I’ve been extremely busy with working and dealing with numerous other things.  There’s so many days to where I wish I could have my lazy boring life back.   But I honestly wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

I’m not sure why today is a harder day, but it is.  My kids are safely nestled in their beds and I’m uploading pictures from Brayden’s birthday party.  As I was editing them, I looked back on the pictures I have from my visit with the APs and Christian.  Seeing how tiny he was and how sweet he looked made the flood gates opened.  I’m not sure why because I couldn’t be anymore content with my decision than I already am.  I think its just reality hit me that I will no longer have anymore babies in this house.  My “babies” are getting older and soon won’t be depending on me as much as they do now.

Sleepless nights aren’t as common anymore, but theres a few nights here and there that I wake up to phantom baby cries.  There’s also a few days to where I regret my choice to get my tubes tied.  But I knew that my child-bearing days were long done.  But I still feel an aching in my heart for another child.  Maybe its the sweet baby smells I miss, the sweet newborn cries and how they snuggle their heads into your shoulder as they listen to your heartbeat.  Whatever it is, I know that babies turn into toddlers which in turn give you more gray hairs. 

I think its just because I’m approaching my son’s 6th birthday and its making me reminiscint of what once was and what will never be again.  On one hand, I’m anxious to embark on a new journey with them.  But on the other hand, I want them to be small for awhile longer.  I want them to need me and want to be near me.  If only I could stop the hands of time and savor their innocence for awhile longer.