Tomorrow, April 17th, marks another year milestone for me in this journey. 

This time last year I was taking a pregnancy test inside the Walmart bathroom.  I left early enough to where I could go and pick up a test, take it and still be on time to work.  I’m not sure WHY I did it that way since last time I took a test before work, it left me an emotional mess.  I think it has a lot to do with the wonderful thing called denial.  Deep down I knew the results, but I didn’t want to admit that my instincts were right.  And I was merely taking the test to prove that I wasn’t pregnant. 

I peed on the stick, set it on the floor and just watched it.  It wasn’t even 3 minutes and that 2nd pink line showed up.  I didn’t know if I should laugh, cry, or scream.  I had so many feelings come across me that I didn’t know which one to conquer first.  Wouldn’t be the first time experiencing moments like that.  I prefer not to, but I tend to face these things head on.

After I went through the motions, I got myself together and drove to work.  I started crying some more and I could barely see the road.  Luckily it wasn’t much farther.  All I was worried about was breaking the news to my mom.  I didn’t want to because I knew she’d be upset with me and make me feel as though I’m such a disappointment.  She wouldn’t say as much, but actions tend to speak louder than words. 

I pulled into the parking lot next to moms car.  I took a few deep breaths and tried to figure out how I was going to explain this to her.  She met me over at my car and brought me my present and card.  I opened the card and got through the first few sentences before I broke down again.  I handed her the card and my present and told her I’m not worthy of those things.  She asked why and I was crying so hard I couldn’t even get the words out.  Finally after 5-10 minutes I blurted out that I was pregnant.  The look on her face was a look I’ve seen before.  A look of disappointment and a bunch of other things.

First words out of her mouth was that I was suppose to get an abortion.  I told her that I had considered it and that I researched it.  And told her that even if I wanted to, there’s no way I could afford 300.00 up front.  She said that her and grandma would help with that, it just needed to be done.

Could I really go through an abortion?  Would I be able to look myself in the mirror every morning and night and be okay with my decision?  No.  Maybe if it would of been my first pregnancy, I might of been okay with it just for the fact that I had no knowledge of how it felt when you hear the heartbeat for the first time, feel the kicks for the first time and get your first glimpse of an unborn baby on the ultrasound machine.

Since abortion was out of the question as well as my keeping this baby, the only other option I had was adoption.  Did I want it that way?  No.  But I really didn’t have much of a choice.  It is and will always be the biggest decision I’ve ever had to make so far in my life.  Never in a million years did I ever dream I’d be faced with such a decision and actually go through with it.

To some, they view me as one of the strongest and bravest people they’ve ever known.  To others, I’m known as the one who picks and chooses her kids.  But its not like that at all.  I know my limits and I know what I can and can’t handle.  And it wasn’t so much raising 3 kids alone that made this decision for me, it was the “how would I live with myself knowing I resent him in some way for how he came to be?” that made it as well as other reasons.  But that was a big one.  I didn’t want him sensing somewhere down the line that his mama loves him less than his brother and sister just because of how he entered the world. 

Not a day goes by that I don’t often sit here at the computer looking at his pictures and wondering what life would be like if he were really here with me.  And there isn’t a night lately that I wake up from a dead sleep with tears on my cheek remembering the day I walked out of the hospital without him in my arms.  Its not a natural thing for a mom to turn her back on her flesh and blood no matter what. 

Out of all of this I have analyzed so many things and have so many unanswered questions.  All of these bring me back to realize that this experience will not only make me a better mother to my current children, but to also be a better person.  Its a long healing process, but one day I hope to hear the “I love you and I have thanked you every night when I go to bed for you giving me the opportunity to have a loving family and experience everything life has to offer.”

One day….