Everyone I talk to, people always tell me its time to move on and close this chapter of my life.  They expect me to wake up one morning and act as if nothing ever happened.  But its easier said than done. 

The pain I feel on an every day basis isn’t easy to ignore.  Sure I do a good job of it when I’m out in public just to prevent the constant comments such as these.  But when I’m here at home with no one other than myself, its really hard.  I always think “I should have a baby here with me, a baby to feed, a baby to snuggle with.”  And thats when the pain intensifies. 

People tell me that they’re proud of me and that they look up to me.  But I muster up a thank you and a fake smile and walk away.  You look up to me because I chose to allow an emptiness inside, an emptiness that will always be there no matter how much time passes.  Every time I close my eyes, I always see the day I turned my back on him and walked away.  I have never cried as hard as I did that day.  The ache my arms felt and everything else was so intense.

I just wish people would understand that its NOT easy to push this aside.  I try so hard because I know my kids deserve a mother who isn’t overwhelmed in so much hurt.  And other than ripping my heart out completely, I have no idea how I can make this happen.  Maybe counseling is an option, but I think a part of the reason why I haven’t “let go” is because I never really had the opportunity to just break down and grieve. 

Maybe I should just take one day away from everything and just go and grieve by myself.  Maybe this is why my heart is hanging on so strongly.  I’m so afraid that all these built up emotions will one day rear their ugly head and break me like a twig.  That would be worse than anything else.