It’s been almost 2 months since I handed over a piece of my heart.  Each day that passes, it does get a little easier.  But often times, I’ll find myself stopping what I am doing and just cry.  My arms ache to hold a baby again, to wake up in the middle of the night for those feedings and to snuggle him with no one watching.  But my baby days are no more, its time for me to begin the journey into a new adventure with my kids.  A couple longing to have a family of their own finally has the joy of experiencing everything I experience two times over.

Does it hurt?  Very much so.  There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t find myself thinking about him and wondering “what if…”.  But the moment I start thinking I could manage to raise three kids by myself, I’m pushed back into reality the moment my daughter becomes difficult.  I truly think my daughter is the biggest reason for the decision I made.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter more than life itself, just like my son, but we’re at a very trying time and there is no way my sanity could handle another child.  Not so much financially, but physically and emotionally I’m already at the limit, if not a little over.  So while there is a piece of my heart missing, there’s no going back.

In time, it will get easier – at least, that’s what everyone tells me.  But right now, I’m not seeing it getting any easier.  Ten years ago if you would have asked me how I envisioned my future, this would not be a part of it.  But I’m a firm believer of everything happens for a reason.  There was a reason why I backed out of my tubal at the last minute after having my daughter.  This may very well be the reason for it.  No matter what though, it doesn’t make it any easier.  I still took part in creating a life, hearing his heartbeat for the first time, feeling his first kicks.  He grew under my heart for 9 months and changed so much about my way of thinking in regards to life, he truly is the next best thing to my kids.  He made me who I am today.

Every day, someone always tells me I’m strong and they look up to me.  But I’m not strong, I cry just like everyone else, my heart breaks just like the next person, and I’m always pondering different thoughts and wondering what our lives have in store for us over this next year or so.  It can’t really get any worse, can it?  It can only get better since I’ve already hit rock bottom and there’s nothing lower than rock bottom.  So I know it WILL get better from here on out.  Maybe I’m lying to myself but maybe I’m not.  Maybe deep down I know it will.  But the pain of everything is overshadowing the good parts of life. 

Today is the day my rights will finally be terminated.  Today is the day I’ve looked forward to and dreaded all at the same time.  But I think once this day passes, I’ll be able to step onto the road of recovery – the road I’ve longed for since the day everything changed.  I wish I could of just slept today away so I didn’t have to have all of these “should I or shouldn’t I?” thoughts running through my head.  Logically I know I couldn’t do it, but emotionally I’m attached.  But who wouldn’t be?  No amount of convincing yourself that the baby you carry was ever yours makes it any easier.

I spent the last 11 months telling myself that even though he grew within me, he wasn’t actually mine.  Today will be the second hardest day of everything; the hardest day being the day I walked out of the hospital holding a stuffed animal instead of holding a car seat with a baby in it.  There’s no turning back now.  I’m thankful that I’m not working right now; I’d be an emotional wreck if I were.  But then again, if I were working – maybe this wouldn’t be as hard?  Who knows.