What I’m about to write doesn’t even sound like something I would say and I was the one who said it.  I’m really hoping that this doesn’t upset someone or whatever.  But wow, I just feel sooo bad.  I spent 2 hours after I said it crying.  And I know once my kids are asleep, I’ll be crying some more. 

So my mom and I were discussing everything … again.  Once again, she more or less told me I wasn’t a good mom because I was griving over a child who was ever mine from the beginning.  Told her that while I mde myself realize from the get-go that he wasn’t mine, it still was hard to not get attached.  I heard the first heartbeat, felt the first kick, and my stretch marks had baby stretch marks.  How can one NOT get attached to a child? 

I told her that right now I just can’t get over this hump until after I know they have legal guardianship of him and my rights are no longer available.  Until that day comes, its going to kill me that I could call up at any given moment to tell my birth counselor that I want him back.  The emotional side of me really wants him back, but the logical side of me knows this is the best decision, not only for my family but their family as well. I just wish there was a way for me to try and describe the emotional rollercoaster I’m on to her.  But I think no matter what, she’ll never understand and she’ll always think that I’m just wanting pity.  If that’s that case, I would of went around everywhere and started crying to anyone and everything that was willing to listen and console me.

Anyways, once again she told me I’m not a real mother.  That I don’t spend enough time with my kids, neglect them and how social services is going to be knocking on my door at any minute to take them away from me.  Of course, I snapped back with the “the only way they would is if you called them” response.  Yes, I’m not my normal self like I was before all of this took place.  But that doesn’t mean that the love I have for my kids is any less or I think about him more than I do the two I have in my care.

I of course started crying and told my mom that if I’m such a horrible mother that she can go pick the kids up from school and I”ll find somewhere else to stay for awhile until I find a place of my own.  Told her that I never wanted kids to begin with.  But the only reason why they’re here is because I’m against abortion for myself and I’m the type of person who accepts responsibility for her actions, no matter what.  Of course that set her off and told me that she was going to call social services and tell them that I wasn’t going to pick them up from school so they need to find someplace for them.  And if I would of went and picked them up, dropped them off by her then leave, I would be considered a bad mother.  Maybe in some ways I would, but not in all ways because its not like I dropped them off on the side of the road, left them at school, or harmed them.  They would of been in a safe place.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I am NOT cut out for this mother business.  I don’t have the motherly instinct that so many others have.  And it KILLS me to no end to know that I don’t.  I think a lot of this is stemming from the fact that my daughter is a huge handful now a days and I’m at my wits end as to what I can do to correct this behavior or anything else she’s going through. 

I want the days back to where I can just get up and go wherever I wanted without having to worry about lining up a babysitter, being home at a certain time, you know – over all freedom like I had before they came along.  But now, I’m so restricted in everything that I’m lacking better judgement.  Maybe my mom’s right, maybe I need to admit myself to the hospital and get some help.  Because this is NOT right to be feeling the way I’m feeling.  But the weight of everything is slowly making me sink deeper into depression.  And I think no matter how many anti-depressants I take, it won’t make it go away. 

Maybe things will be better when they’re older and don’t require so much for me.  But until then, I’m left with these feelings.  I may just have to call my OB tomorrow and see what he thinks.  Maybe he can make it to where if I go into the hospital, I can willingly check myself out without having to be released at their discretion. 

I just don’t know anymore.  I want to be the person I was before, I want to be the mother that they saw smiling in the morning when they woke up, I just want to be me again.  I don’t know who this person is anymore.